Tonight I miss my mom.  This is the simple and heartfelt cry of a lost little girl.  I miss my Mom so much that sometimes I find it hard to breathe.  Yet, I carry on - I have the most amazing husband and son who need me to carry on.  They need me to take a breath, suck it up and get busy. 


Sometimes though, in the still moments - I catch myself looking at pictures or thinking of her smell, or her soft skin, or her hugs and I am not sure how I am going to carry on. 


Earlier, I saw a Facebook post from someone who lost his mother 7 years ago and he still feels like he is lost. Not a good indicator for the years to come.  It feels like this hurt will never end - that I may never feel really happy ever again because even in my happiest moments, my mother won't be there to share it.


I am so lucky to have my dad and stepfather looking out for me, but in the famous words of my own mother - "Nobody loves ya like your momma."  No one knows my heart like she did - I feel guilty even thinking that because I am deeply loved by many people - but there it is... I know my siblings can attest to this loss though we all know she really loved me best (inside joke there...)


I am so incredibly lucky to know that my mom believed in the Savior deeply and I know someday I will see her again - my prayer is that this life will be possible without her.  Again, I am lucky that I had her for so long and she equipped me to make it without her - she really did.  It just hurts an extra special lot some times...

The Littlest Lambert

I would love to write some meaningful post about spending Thanksgiving with my family.  I would love to describe with sass and humor the multiple kitchen fires, the stopped up disposal and the “Middle Sister” experience (sorry, if you don’t know that reference, you don’t need to hear that story…) I would love to make you cry with the story of seeing my Mom, or the picture of my little family with my parents, or seeing my niece Jordan recovering so beautifully, or Cooper bonding with the children of 3 people that I love the most in the world, BUT I don’t have the words (or those may have actually been the words and I just wrote them…)

So instead, I am going to tell you about hiking in the White Tank Mountains (they are really hills, but Daniel insists they were mountains, ha.)  Daniel and I took Cooper and Eli hiking with us. Cooper and Eli and even Rylan talked all Wednesday about going hunting for rattlesnakes, so Thursday morning, we got up and took the 2 oldest “hunting” for rattlesnakes and other desert creatures.  Let me go ahead and get to the ending, we did not see a single desert creature unless you count… nope nothing.

One thing I did gain from this adventure was a reminder that I am the aunt to quite possibly the coolest eight-year old on the planet (I may be biased here.)  He was hilarious with his running commentary on all things desert.  He found a ton of marble rocks and collected as many as he could carry to try and sell for “a fortune, Mimi!” He called them desert gems and made sure to give them out to the whole family.   He then climbed to the top of one of the hills and started shouting “I am KING OF THE WORLD” with Cooper. 

The funniest thing though was when he fell hard down the side of the hill and I thought he had broken every bone in his body… (Seriously, I was planning my escape to a non-extraditing country to avoid the wrath of Gretchen Lambert)  Really it was only a rock, sorry, a desert gem that had fallen out of his pocket and made a crazy loud noise.  He popped right up and shouted “Never give up!” He is a wee bit dramatic, but it works for Eli.

Well that is my Thanksgiving story, bonding with the littlest Lambert. To my whole family, I love you all, you big crazy, embarrassing Facebook picture-posting family of mine!

Eli and Mimi



Kings of the World 

Family

Well that's just great...

Have I mentioned that my sweet Momma was a single Mom once upon a time? My mom and dad divorced when I was almost 2 years old maybe...(not sure, my memory is fuzzy for that time period) and my mom had my sister Gretchen and I all by her lonesome for 2 and 1/2 years until she married Tom, my dad too (again still shaky on this timeline.) I am not sure why I mention this because I hardly remember anything from that time in my life, but I have been sitting here this morning thinking about my mom today.  She has been battling cancer for over a year now and yesterday we got some tough news, not sure what is going to happen next, but my mom is so strong and I love her, I am sure of that!
For the past hour, I have been fighting back tears thinking of things that I will miss with my Mom someday.  She may not see me get married, she may not see me have another baby, she may not see me become CEO of my company someday (let's be honest here, no one will most likely see that one.) She most likely will not see my son graduate from high school or play football for the Vols or become the first decent black President (did I say that, oops, I meant to say first decent mixed race President... oops again)
I think that I have to change the way I am thinking here.  She has seen me graduate high school, college and grad school.  She has seen me become a pretty decent mother.  She has seen me be a person capable of giving and receiving love and I think that fulfills every mother's wish for her children.
I am going to leave you with 2 stories about my mom that make me laugh every time I think about them. Imagine her "mom" voice with her mixed Kentucky/ East Tennessee hills accent when you read this story, if you have never heard her, it's a hoot...
Linda on tattoos -
So I came home for Easter while living in Hilton Head Island, SC with a big tattoo of a Taurus on my leg (no not a longhorn cow or Chicago Bulls logo, but a Taurus head people huge difference) and it is scary looking and yes, I highly regret both the tattoo and the placement on my leg. We went to the Methodist church that we had been going to for years where the preacher never and I mean never taught out of Revelations, but decided this year on Easter to mention the "mark of the beast." Well, me being the biblical scholar that I am, I was scared, terrified, about going to hell because of this huge mark of the beast on my leg. My mom looked at me and said "Honey, I think that our Lord Jesus knows the difference between the mark of the beast and pure stupidity."  That is the last mention she ever made of that tattoo, but that just kind of illustrated life according to Linda for me...
Linda on spaghetti -
My whole life, my mother made the most insanely delicious spaghetti.  I begged her to make it every time we had any type of family dinner.  It was the perfect combination of spices and noodles and tomato sauce, YUM! When I finally was living on my own, again in HHI, SC, I decided to make this spaghetti for my roommates so that they could see what a good cook I was. I called my mother asking for her famous spaghetti recipe and she was extremely puzzled and asked what in the world I was talking about. "Moo-oom, you know that delicious spaghetti you make all the time, the spaghetti that makes spaghetti my favorite food in the whole world..." She thought for a second and then busted out laughing and said "Oh honey (real slow like you really want to say ooohhh idiot,) that is Kraft Spaghetti Dinner, it is in the green box, usually right next to the blue macaroni and cheese box at the grocery store, you add tomato paste and ground beef and VOILA!" Yes everyone, that is my favorite food in the whole world, I am such a foodie...

A little bit of catching up

Wow, I am a horrible blogger. That being said, I am writing my first coherent thoughts in about 4 months.  Since moving to the Northwest Suburbs of fabulous Chicago, IL in January, life has been cra, cra, crazy to quote my new friend Zoe.  I finished my MBA, bought a new car, got Cooper registered and then promptly de-registered for kindergarten, endured "that" phone call and "that" frantic 10 hour drive to Memphis, met some of the dearest friends I have ever had all the while pursuing a career that makes me crazy and thrilled all at the same time! Let's break those down and catch everyone up on Amanda ( I know, oh so interesting!)

• MBA - check, I thought I would go insane if I had to be on one more conference call with a group of 7 MBA students with 7 different opinions on how to run a business.  I, however, survived and now I have a lovely diploma to show off to all of the world.  I may start signing my emails Amanda D. Lee, MBA just because I can.
• There is no handbook to raising a child and certainly no direction on how to put your child into the public school system.  Raise your hand if you knew that kindergarten registration occcurs SEVEN full months prior to the start of the school year! Seriously, who knew?? I got Cooper in with late registration and then I missed his assessment, then I learned that his "school day" (and I use that term very liberally) is only 2 and 1/2 hours a day, no way.  Cooper needs a little more than that if my little man is gonna be able to "SEE JANE RUN" before the 1st grade starts! So I enrolled him in a full day kindergarten with the same teacher he had for half a year last year.  We love us some Ms. Grace and she assures me that she will have Cooper at the head of the class in time for next year! (Please feel free to comment back and let me know that I am not going to ruin him because of kindergarten choices)
• Let me set the scene, Monday morning, 9 AM, researching a frantic issue for a customer when I get a call from my oldest sister whom I totally blow off and call back 5 minutes later only to hear that my beloved niece (the niece who showed me the very meaning of loving someone more than you love yourself) was in Memphis at the Med on life support. When I asked if she was going to be alright, all I got was the silence of heartbroken mother and the words, "Amanda, I don't know." I literally sat in shock for hours trying to decide if I needed to go home or if I needed to stay put and then it hit me, this was my sister's child and she needed me. She would never hesitate if the shoe was on the other foot!  I drove frantically to get Cooper and headed out of Chicago just in time for rush hour (yes people, it starts at 3 here.) After 16 hours in the car with a delirous 5 year old and one fleabag motel stay, we made it. After weeks in the ICU and weeks in rehab, my angel has made it.  She went from "not even gonna make it to the hospital" to "gonna change the world because God has a HUGE plan for her life" in the span of 8 weeks. (Jordan, you have shown me the power of love, prayer and a joyous spirit in your 19 years girlie and you have made your Mimi proud!)
• I have made so many new friends, it has been ah-mazing! I gotta say though, I miss my BFF...  Saying I miss her just doesn't cover it, she has been a rock to me throughout this surprise incident (can we still call it that?) over the past 5 years. She is now in the midst of new Mom-dom with a beautiful daughter and I can't even share it with her because let's face it, Chicago and Memphis aren't close... but I love her and that sweet girl and I am going to buy her hair bows that will tip that child over when she starts walking so there!

Well, there you have it... an updated blog post.  I'll be honest here and say that I will still procrastinate and forget and not post for a while, but that is part of my charm. I recently found the journal that I started for Cooper when he was born where I could write letters to my baby as he grows up... yeah, the last entry was from 2009, nice Amanda, nice.

42days22hours57minutes26seconds

Well, I am coming to ya from the land of "Life on Hold"

I have been in Chicago almost three months now and I am not sure that I have much to show for it... No wait... I have a new car, we have been to TWO birthday parties, we have made several lifelong friends (big shout out to Betty Jo!!,) Cooper is signed up for honest to goodness Little League and I have been on a date (uneventful, don't get excited!) Whew... that is alot on top of working full time, raising (kind of) a happy child and finishing my last two semesters of school online, gah!
So, why do I feel like my life is on hold? Oh yeah, because every spare moment and thought is consumed with this Management Simulation called Capsim AKA a little piece of torture and despair. When I am not working on it, I feel guilty, when I am working on it I feel guilty, it is a lose lose scenario.   The payoff is worth it right??? I will have my MBA which will be great for my career, oh wait, I work for the company I want to retire from... Yeah, I am not real sure why I am doing this, but here we are, I can't back out now so I am literally counting the seconds until it is over and life can begin again.
Maybe more dates and more parties and more Little League!
Now it is 42 days 22 hours 47 minutes and 35 seconds, woot it is going by so fast!!

Banging my head on the wall sounds like a plan right now...

Do you ever have those moments, days, weeks, lifetimes (it seems) where you feel like you are just spinning your wheels? Well, I am spinning out like a bad Nascar driver today.  I have the patience of a 2 yr old today.  I got mad today at Cooper, like throw a knick knack across the library at Rhett Butler's head kind of mad for not being able to put his own coat on... After telling my five year old that he needed to "LOOK ALIVE KID"...  I realized that I just screamed at my five year old for the most asinine reason out there.  What next... he can't put his gloves on and I leave him at the fire station? He can't get the lid on his milk and I lock him in a closet??? AAAHHHHHH
So, I wish I could tell you that he looked at me with those big brown eyes and said "I'm sowwy Mommy," but alas no, he says "Don't rush me Mommy, I'm workin on it!" (perfect asnwer by the way on his part)
Cooper finally made me laugh while we were sitting down to eat lunch.  He learned a new prayer from some of our new Illinois buddies and he had to sing it at the top of his lungs for all to hear. Imagine this to the music from Superman:
"Thank you God for giving us food, Thank you God for giving us food, For the food that we EEAAATT, for the people we MEETTT, thank you GOOOOODDDD for this food, AMEN!!
(You also have to put your hands out like a flying superhero, which was kind of awkward at Applebee's...)
So with Cooper's great prayer, I decided to add an addendum to my life motto, here goes:
"When I'm sad, I stop being sad and start being awesome AND when I am overwhelmed, I stop being overwhelmed and sing the Superhero prayer and start being even more awesome!!" (poor grammar all around, but great sentiment!)

I am leaving you today with some great Pinterest items since I wasted thirty minutes of my life trying to make myself laugh by reading Pinterest (I also have a great ranch pork chop recipe too so time was not actually wasted!)

Crazy Days

Normally, I would consider my a moderately organized person, oh scratch that, I am lying.  I hang on by a thread most days! (If you have missed the recent posts, I just moved to the Chicago suburbs for a new position with the greatest company in the world, so great that I will not mention their name, but you know who they are)
With the recent move, I moved my entire little family 550 miles out of our comfort zone, started a new position, AND started my final semester  of graduate school.  The ONLY reason that I have not pulled all of my hair out is because I started with more hair than the average person on my head... Life is crazy right now and with sub par organization skills it has been a wee bit of a headache some days.
I have been able to maintain my work schedule now that I have a laptop and Blackberry at home so that I can catch up on work in the evenings now and even have a delightful exchange with a customer at 11 PM, you read correctly, 11 PM... Luckily, he is a nice guy and I was sort of awake, so it turned out okay.
The headache begins when you add a five year old and some highly demanding grad school profs into the mix.  This week, I have 2 sets of homework due and an exam as well as kindergarten homework, baths, and convincing Cooper to sleep in his own bed, gahhhhh!!!
So, this is a short blog post to beg you to:
A. pray for me
B. send me easy recipes that can be made in under 30 minutes and do not involve pizza rolls and easy mac
C. send me notes convincing me that Cooper will go to college one day and be able to sleep in his own bed all night without wetting the bed (preferably master the sleeping thing first)
D. come visit us (wait until May at least, because let's face it the weather stinks right now)
E. don't tell me "I told you so" about the snow, I don't think I could emotionally handle it
F. If you see me on my Facebook, tell me to get off, because inevitably I am procrastinating some sort of work
G.If you do come to visit me before May, don't judge me about the cleanliness of the apartment... I am still at least 15 piles away from a Hoarders intervention...
So, please and thank you from Chicago (really the way less cool Northwest suburbs, but we do have a Trader Joe's...)